Friday, June 14, 2013

Who is Mee???

The day I knew I had departed my childhood, was the day I knew what it meant to be a child. I don’t know exactly when it began slipping away from me. When I think about it now, I wonder when the last time I played on the swing set was, or the last day I believed in Santa Claus. Although I don’t know exactly when or how it ended, I know I didn’t appreciate it then like I would now. There was a time when childhood was like a silk cloth at the end of my fingertips; it had been falling slowly for a while and I knew it wouldn’t be there for much longer. Then it just fell. I tried to pick up again, but it wasn’t where I’d left it; it had turned to dust before hitting the ground.
As it left, I watched it go.
I watched my sisters, as one by one they lost it too. I saw them change; I saw them become awkward and afraid. I remember a time when fear was short lived; a time when being afraid meant running to your parent’s room and spending the night in their arms. Slowly, we couldn’t find our way back to their room any more. I remember a time when I was never ashamed. A time when running into your mother’s arms would alleviate every problem. Slowly, I grew out of those arms. Slowly, embarrassment became a shadow. I watched every word that I spoke until finally, I didn’t speak anymore. I began to realize that they weren’t my words anymore. They were somebody else’s words, somebody cautious and detached.
As it left, I watched it go. 
If I had known then what I know now would it have been more painful to see it pass? Is it an important part of development to never be satisfied with one’s self?   I remember being on the edge of childhood. I began disconnecting myself from who I was; I mourned the death of a person I no longer could be. 
As it left I watched it go.
I hope as I adjust, I can learn to be happy in this new body and new life; the rise and fall of new emotions, everything a tornado of experiences. One day I hope I can be at ease and know that I’d gotten a taste of everything in the buffet of existence; the good and the bad. Then maybe I can be proud and unafraid as it passes, from beginning to end, without regret for what has been lost.
As I watch my life go.

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